My Immortal Commentated By Harry Potter Characters
by TheWarriorQueen
Summary: Set after a Reading the HP Books type scenario, the Marauders, Snape, Lily, Alice to-be-Longbottom, the Trio, Luna, Ginny, Neville, and Draco read what is widely acknowledged as the ultimate troll!fic.
1. Of Inbreeding and Evil Clowns

_Okay, everyone, this is my attempt at a commentary of My Immortal. Not that I'm a My Immortal hater, but it is gold to rip off._

_So, background: I have a room in my mind called the Blue Room. Into it, I have placed the Marauders, Alice to-be-Longbottom (As we have not yet been given a backstory for her, I have her as an illegitimate child of Alphard Black and Abraxas Malfoy's Squib sister, later adopted by the Fortescue family, and best friends with Lily), Lily Evans, Severus Snape, and Regulus Black, all from the Marauders Seventh Year. They then read the Harry Potter books with Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Neville, Draco, and baby Teddy Lupin, from the year after the war. Now, they are reading My Immortal before I send them back to the past to change the future. Teddy sleeps through it all, so he's not being corrupted. Regulus has gone to watch Teddy, having been granted a reprieve._

_Just accept that they are all reading it at the same time. Maybe it's up on a projection screen and I've cast a spell so they have the same reading speed as each other. Whatever. This is just for laughs, anyway._

_Credits to lemonybatman and LizaMMX, who have graciously let me borrow a LOT of their commentary, and to Ragged Mountains who let me use bits and pieces. The rest... I think most of it's original, and some of it is from reading way too many of these things._

**Bold – My Immortal**

Regular – Commentary

_Italics – My letters to the group_

**_Disclaimer to end all Disclaimers for this story: I do not own My Immortal. I do not own Harry Potter. I have never claimed to own either, one because it is too bad, and one because it is too good. The site rules against MST apply to copyrighted works, not My Immortal, which has been basically declared public domain by the author. Besides, it says "into the flow of" and My Immortal has no flow, so that's okay then. XD_**

_On with the show!_

* * *

**Chapter 1.**

"I don't see why the cover said this was so terrible, it seems normal to me!" Sirius grinned. "Chapter 1, like any other book."

Alice sighed. "Cousin mine, there is very little you can do to mess up 'Chapter 1'. Just wait for it; I'm sure it's coming."

**AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)**

James looked mildly disturbed. "Is it a bad thing that I do get it?"

"Yes!" chorused Hermione, Alice, and Lily.

**2 my gf (ew not in that way)**

"Hey, you said it!" objected Peter.

A snort echoed from where Lily sat. "Yes, and of course, we all know denying homosexuality before anyone suggests anything works wonders for convincing them."

"In fact, if she feels the need to say that, maybe she's not so sure herself, Lee," Alice suggested.

**raven, bloodytearz666**

"Le gasp!"

"Liss?"

"Oh come on, Lee, what is more clichéd than a story about witches and wizards and magical beasts involving the "devil's number" 666?"

**4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.**

"I wonder if there were an unusual number of Wrackspurts around this Raven girl when she was checking this…" Luna mused.

Hermione seized hold of Remus, who seized hold of Lily, who then reached over and pulled Hermione closer in. "Dear Merlin, no, if this is corrected, what was it like before, oh, what a thought, I'm going to have nightmares…"

**U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!**

Remus took a compulsive bite of his chocolate. Sirius' eyes widened. "Okay, what was so bad about that that you've started on the chocolate already?"

"How," explained Remus patiently, "if her life is depressing, can so many people 'rock'?"

"Oh."

**Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way**

Lily whispered to Alice, "Hey, Liss, I spy with my little eye, something called redundancy."

Alice nodded. "Ebony is a black wood, darkness (what is with that apostrophe?) is dark, and raven is black. You're right, Lee, that's redundant."

"That must make it difficult to fill in forms," Hermione said, having just finished counting the letters in Ebony's name. (Thirty, in case you wondered.)

Harry nodded. "What were her parents smoking? And I thought naming my future kid Albus Severus was bad!"

"Not to mention, dementia is a disease. Is this foreshadowing I detect?" drawled Severus, hoping to move the conversation on from that embarrassing moment where someone has named their child after you in the future.

Remus snickered. "Probably. But if it's not, I think that there's a simpler explanation; her parents just couldn't decide on what to call her, so they put all their suggestions together."

**and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)**

"Again," said Lily. "Redundant. Ebony is black."

Severus smirked. "Were her parents Seers? How could they know what colour hair she'd have when they named her?

"Some babies are born with hair, Snape," retorted James. He looked queasy. "Hang on, am I defending this story?"

"I believe you were, Potter."

**with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back**

Draco spluttered. "Red, purple, and black on her hair? That's just a crime against colour!"

**and icy blue eyes like limpid tears**

"Limpid means clear. How-" Hermione fumed. Remus and Lily sent her sympathetic looks. Remus broke off a bit of chocolate and handed it across to her.

**and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).**

"Gladly!" chorused Ron, Neville, and Ginny, pretending to get up and go.

**I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**

Sirius and Alice declared in unison, "Must be a pureblood!"

"Why?" asked Neville.

"Because only a pureblood would be wishing someone was related to them because they're hot," Sirius answered.

Alice threw her hands in the air in a triumphant gesture. "Let's hear it for: INCEST and INBREEDING!" She then dissolved into giggles.

"Yeah," said Sirius. "Her parents were brother and sister and her uncle and aunt are also her grandparents."

Severus grimaced. "How that's possible, I don't know, but I'd rather not dwell on it for possibility of not only mental scarring, but also actually figuring it out." Ron and Harry shuddered in agreement.

**I'm a vampire**

"Not a pureblood then," commented Ginny.

**but my teeth are straight and white.**

"No way!" Remus exclaimed in mock astonishment.

Lily deadpanned, "Yes, Remy, most vampires' teeth are black and curly."

Harry choked. "Bad mental images!"

**I have pale white skin.**

Lily and Alice jumped up and yelled, "Redundant!"

"Not only redundant," Remus added. "But are most vampires tanned then?"

Harry groaned. "Bad, bad, bad mental images."

"My Immortal Band Name #1," Sirius declared. "Pale White Skin."

**I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England**

"It's Scotland, you cretin," Hermione scowled. "Haven't you read Hogwarts: A History?"

"Nope!" grinned Harry and Ron.

Alice pulled out her fountain pen and roll of parchment. "I love that line, Mione! Can I use it on a tee-shirt?"

"What line?"

"It's Scotland, you cretin."

"Okay…" They had grown accustomed to Alice's obsession with tee-shirt slogans, just as they had Sirius' obsession with band names.

**where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).**

Luna muttered something about Trilleryfindles and how she was seventeen early on in her sixth year.

**I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)**

"I couldn't!" Peter exclaimed.

Neville sighed. "Neither could I."

**and I wear mostly black.**

"Redundant!"

"Why?" asked Peter.

James sighed. "Wormy, most people know that Goths wear black. It is their colour. Saying it is redundant."

**I love Hot Topic**

Harry shot a puzzled frown at Hermione. "Is Hot Topic a Goth store?"

"Not as far as I know," she replied, equally puzzled. The expression did not suit her.

"For that matter," Harry continued. "Do we get Hot Topic in England?"

"Not as far as I know," she replied, looking even more puzzled, which suited her even less.

**and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.**

Alice rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, pink is such a Goth colour."

Ron's eyes were bugging out. "She didn't mention a shirt! Just a corset!"

"Ooh, maybe she's not so bad to hang around after all," Sirius grinned. Peter's eyes went a bit glazed. James and Remus shook them urgently.

"Hey, snap out of it!"

"I thought Hogwarts had a uniform," Neville mumbled, clearly struggling with distracting mental images himself.

"Maybe it's different at this England Hogwarts," suggested James.

**I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation,**

Ginny frowned. "Wasn't she already pale? What's the point of white foundation?"

"Maybe she's worried a Latchwonk will bite her and she'll turn purple," Luna suggested.

**black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**

"AAAH! THE EVIL CLOWN!" yelled James. "TAKE COVER!"

**I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining**

Ginny giggled. "It's slushing!"

Neville frowned. "That must be bad for the plants."

"Forget the plants," exclaimed Ron. "How is weather like that possible? Snow and rain?"

Harry leaned over to Ron. "Magic. That's the only way things like that can happen."

**so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.**

"Even when it's overcast, the sun is still shining, unless it is night," Hermione objected. "And technically there is always a sun, as the sun does not disappear, the Earth merely rotates."

**A lot of preps stared at me.**

Severus arched an eyebrow. "Naturally. How often do they see… how did you put it, Potter? Ah yes… an evil clown."

**I put up my middle finger at them.**

"This girl is a paragon of sweetness and light," drawled Severus sarcastically.

**"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was….**

"Drum roll, everyone!" called Sirius.

**Draco Malfoy!**

Draco paled.

"What's wrong, Mal- Draco?" asked Harry. "Not looking forward to your arrival?"

He shook his head. "No, not at all."

**"What's up Draco?" I asked.**

**"Nothing." he said shyly.**

"Me? Shy?" wheezed Draco in horror.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Yeah, she obviously doesn't know you."

**But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**

Ginny groaned. "Talk about an anti-climax!"

"What's that?" asked Sirius, wiggling his eyebrows. "The opposite of an org- MMPH!" Remus had clapped his hand over Sirius' mouth.

"No dirty jokes, please, Padfoot! We just endured a full seven books of them, we don't need any more."

Alice got an evil grin on her face. Lily swiftly clamped her hand over her best friend's mouth. "No, none more from you either, Liss!"

"Did anyone notice," began Neville thoughtfully. "But she mentions friends? Either they're imaginary, or we're going to meet more characters soon."

**AN: IS it good?**

"Do you really want us to answer that?" asked Lily.

**PLZ tell me**

"Guess so."

"Okay, it sucked!"

**fangz!**

"Prongs, stop laughing. Getting the fangs joke is not a good thing."

"Okay, Wormy."

* * *

_All right, we survived that. I plan to post a chapter a day, internet and school allowing. Oh, and before I get any objections, Peter is still good at this time, and so they've resolved that long ago (remember, they've now read all seven books, I'm just torturing them through My Immortal, then Jo Bekke, because I'm a big meanie)._

_For once, my equation does not apply, but witty comments or suggestions might earn you a chapter dedication. Note the word "might". No guarantees._

_TheWarriorQueen_


	2. Of Vampires R Us and Bad Ferrets

_And here we go, folks, Chapter 2. I hope you enjoy, if enjoy is the right word for it._

* * *

**Chapter 2.**

"Ah, again, the beginning works fine."

"Cousin mine, I told you it is hard to mess up on something that simple."

**AN: Fangz**

"James, if you intend on me saying yes when you propose, I recommend that you stop snickering at that joke."

James looked chastened. "Sorry, Lily-pad."

**2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!**

"You don't need help," Remus muttered, breaking off another piece of chocolate. "You need a miracle."

**BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**

"Flaming?" asked Peter.

"A practice in which a reader of a fictional story, usually fan-written, posts a derogatory or generally unconstructive criticism in some form of reviewing structure," explained Hermione.

James leaned forward. "So let me get this straight. If someone flames this story, they're basically expressing intense dislike."

Hermione nodded. "Yes, that is correct."

"And if they flame, they're preps."

"According to the author, yes."

James sighed. "Then in that case, according to logic, we are preps."

Hermione stared, surprised by James' logical train of thought. He laughed at her astounded expression. "I'm not the top student in Transfiguration for nothing, Mione."

**The next day I woke up in my bedroom.**

Hermione muttered, "As opposed to your bathroom, I suppose?"

"Indeed," Severus concurred. "It is also such a nuisance when one wakes up in the kitchen fridge."

**It was snowing and raining again.**

"Slushing!"

"Ginny, do you know how distracting it is when you do that jump and wiggle thing?"

Ron shoved Harry. "Oi, she's my sister! And I was going to say disturbing."

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, Ron, you saw how we get married and have kids, that means we went all the way at least three times."

Ron turned a funny chalky-white, and let out a strangled gasp.

**I opened the door of my coffin**

Lily, Remus, and Hermione mouthed silently. Draco and Severus quirked their eyebrows. Ron, Sirius, and James packed up laughing. Peter said what everyone was thinking.

"A door? On a coffin? Shouldn't that be a lid?"

Alice shook her head. "Walk in coffins, exclusively at Vampires R Us. Guaranteed to have you sleeping like the undead!"

**and drank some blood from a bottle I had.**

"Mm… Bottled blood, the latest thing from Vampires R Us…" Alice smacked her lips. Everyone edged away.

"Um, Liss, that's really disturbing. Can you _not_ do that, please?"

Sirius grinned. "My Immortal Band Name #2: Blood From a Bottle."

**My coffin was black ebony**

"Redundant!"

"Is that your catchword?" asked Harry, eager to know more about his mum.

Lily glanced at him. "For now, yes. Last term it was 'disingenuous'."

**and inside it was hot pink velvet**

Ginny asked of no one in particular, "Isn't a coffin normally satin-lined?"

**with black lace on the ends.**

"Pink and lace… C'est tres Goth, oui?"

Sirius shook his head. "Non."

James groaned. "What's with the French?"

"Excuse our French," joked Alice.

Sirius took pity on James. "Actually, Prongs, it's because we had to learn it when we were young, and it's pointless learning something you'll never use."

"Can you help me with my French?" asked Hermione eagerly.

The grin on Sirius' face made Hermione groan. "Of course, sweetheart. I can teach you lots of French. I am, shall we say, expert in the art called French." He wiggled his eyebrows.

Ron turned to Sirius, clearly about to object, then he sighed and sat back. He knew there was a whole level there that he'd missed, but over the course of the preceding books he had come to realize that Sirius flirted without any serious intent, and it was only because Hermione still reacted that he persisted in flirting with her in particular.

**I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.**

"Why not use, ooh, wait a moment… PYJAMAS?" exclaimed Peter.

Luna shrugged. "If it weren't this author, I'd say she was worried about the Finnish Martlenbis."

**Instead, I put on a black leather dress,**

"My Immortal Band Name #3: Black Leather Dress."

**a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.**

"Redundant! Hang on, Liss, why didn't you yell with me?"

"Um, Lee, you lost me. What was redundant?"

"The extra 'on'."

"Oh."

Together they yelled, "Redundant!"

**I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears,**

"Redundant!"

"How mundane," Severus drawled. "Surely she could put them in un-pierced ears? Or are clip-on earrings reserved for little girls, preps, and old ladies?"

**and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**

Peter and Ron licked their lips. "Mm," Ron said, "Food…"

Harry whispered, "Different kind of bun."

"I know that, mate, but…" he trailed off helplessly.

Peter explained, "Food…"

**My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)**

Stunned silence settled over the room. Hermione, Remus, and Lily froze, unsure of what was before their very eyes. But no matter how often they blinked, it was still there. An Author's Note in the flow of the story. If they hadn't seen it, they would not have believed it.

**woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length**

"As opposed to short waist-length?" asked Severus acerbically.

Lily and Alice flew to their feet again. "Redundant!"

**raven black**

"Redundant!"

**hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.**

Stunned silence filled the room.

Finally, Neville said, "She woke up, grinned at Ebony, flipped her hair, and only _then_ opened her eyes?"

Remus, Lily, and Hermione muttered, "There are no words…"

**She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**

"Again with the white foundation?" Ginny groaned.

Luna nodded. "It cannot be anything but a fear of Latchwonks."

**"OMFG,**

Remus said mildly, "So did she really say Oh Em Eff Gee?"

**I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**

"No, you didn't," Draco muttered. "I wouldn't be caught dead talking to this Ebony Dark whatsit."

**"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**

Hermione facepalmed. "So, the vampire is blushing. So much for the LACK OF BLOOD CIRCULATION that goes with being UNDEAD!"

**"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.**

Severus looked appalled. "She's in Slytherin? What has the world come to?"

"Look on the bright side, she spelled Slytherin right," Draco commented, still looking slightly scared of his own actions in the story.

Hermione held out a hand and Remus handed her a chunk of chocolate. She huffed, "They walked from the Slytherin common room into the Great Hall in the space of one line. Either a) the Great Hall is now in the dungeons right by the common room, b) she found a way to Apparate inside Hogwarts, or c) that sentence was said very slowly." Then she crammed the chocolate into her mouth, her hands quivering.

**"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**

"Sheesh!" Ginny exclaimed. "Overreact much?"

Luna adjusted her Butterbeer cork necklace. "I have to wonder why she didn't get into trouble for swearing in the Great Hall."

**"Yeah right!" she exclaimed.**

Neville nodded. "I agree with her 'friend'. It is so obvious that she likes him. I pity you, Malfoy; I really wouldn't wish her on anyone."

"Thanks, Longbottom. At least no one is dancing around telling me I deserve this torture."

**Just then, Draco walked up to me.**

"Walk away!" shouted Draco, waving his arms emphatically. "She's bad news! Walk away!"

**"Hi." he said.**

**"Hi." I replied flirtily.**

Alice snorted. "So much for not liking him, eh?"

"The word," Lily began. "Is flirtatiously, not flirtily."

**"Guess what." he said.**

**"What?" I asked.**

"No, you bloodsucking wench, I told you to guess!" snarled Draco, irritated with himself in the story.

Alice whipped out her pen and parchment. "Ooh, can I have that one too?"

**"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**

"Do you even listen to Muggle bands?" asked Harry archly.

Draco snorted. "No, Harry, of course not. With _my_ family? I'd have to be suicidal."

"Besides," Luna said, a slight frown on her face. "They aren't goth, and as Muggles, they couldn't be in Hogsmeade." Everyone looked at her askance. She blinked at them. "Can't a witch listen to Muggle music? Will I be attacked by Trilleryfindles for doing so?"

**"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**

Lily shuddered. "I pity this MCR and this Good Charlotte, whoever they are."

"Question," Peter said. Everyone looked at him. "But after seven years at Hogwarts, does _anyone_ say 'Oh my God!' anymore? Don't we all say 'Merlin's Beard' and things like that?" Slowly, everyone nodded.

**"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.**

"Bad Ferret!" Malfoy yelled at the book. "Do not ask the she-devil out!"

Harry and Ron exchanged worried glances. After a silent game of Rock-Parchment-Wand, Harry cleared his throat. "Draco, did you just insult yourself-"

"That cannot be me! Call it the false-Draco!"

"-the false-Draco then, by calling him a ferret?"

"Yes. Do you have a problem with that?" he asked fiercely.

Ron looked a bit nervous. "Er, no."

Into the ensuing silence, Alice asked chirpily, "Can I have Bad Ferret?"

**I gasped.**

Draco subsided, muttering about how Ebony should be amazed that he was deigning to ask her out, but to not answer was just too rude for words.

A roll of blue parchment, with silver edging, and a black ribbon holding it together, fell into Severus' lap. He unrolled it, reading aloud, _"Hello, it's me again. You remember me from the last books, right? You will see that in the middle of the table is now a jumbo bottle of Firewhiskey and a shot glass each. That is so you can all play the My Immortal drinking game. It makes reading so much less painful. Here's how it works: Whenever you see the word cry, in any form (cry, cried, crying, cries) have a shot. Whenever tears of blood are mentioned, have a shot. If just tears are mentioned, have a sip. When the word gasp appears in any form, take a shot. When the bottle is empty, another will appear. You are now a shot behind. Drink up!"_

The group did as they were told, Harry coughing and spluttering the whole way. Surprisingly, Hermione managed her shot with ease.

* * *

_As your responsible friend, I must warn you that it is only safe to play this game with non-alcoholic beverages. Please, be careful! XD_

_TheWarriorQueen_


	3. Of Depression and Pogo Sticks

_Hooray! I am posting Chapter 3, my writing is going passably well, and I think I passed my Business Studies tests! Enjoy this installment in the tale of wannabe-goth-vampires._

* * *

**Chapter 3.**

"Off to a great start…"

"Cousin mine, are you going to say that every time?"

"Nope."

"Good."

**AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!**

"Is it just me, or did anyone else read that as Fleming and get offended on James Bond's behalf?" asked Lily.

Hermione nodded. "I had that moment too, don't worry."

**odderwize**

Ginny began to giggle. When she realized everyone was looking at her strangely she said, "What? It sounded like Odd or Wise to me."

**fangs**

"James, I'm warning you…"

**2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!**

Sirius' eyes widened comically. "People actually gave good reviews?"

Hermione sniffed haughtily. "There's no accounting for taste."

**FANGS**

"James!"

"Sorry, Lily-pad."

**AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.**

Lily groaned. "So they're her favourite band, but she can't even spell their name right? We're off to a great start indeed!"

**On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.**

"So were these high-heel boots, boots worn with high heels attached as an afterthought, or boots put on with the aid of high heels?" asked Ginny.

**Underneath them were ripped red**

"Try saying that ten times fast, cousin mine," Alice hissed at Sirius.

**fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.**

"What's corset stuff?" asked Ron.

Ginny replied, "Er, maybe she means lace. I don't know."

"My Immortal Band Name #4: Corset Stuff."

**I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.**

Draco and Alice shuddered. "There is so much wrong with that."

"Like what?" asked Neville.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Her hair is straight, then she straightens it, then she makes it spiky? That makes no sense."

"Yeah," Alice put in. "And to make waist-length hair spiky is really difficult, even with magic."

Severus smirked. "Don't forget, long waist-length hair. Not short waist-length hair."

"Yes, mustn't forget that," muttered Alice.

**I felt a little depressed then,**

"Who would be depressed to go on a date with me?" Draco asked in horror.

**so I slit one of my wrists.**

Lily shrieked, "That's dangerous! What a bitch to just say something like that!"

"Going by stereotypes, wouldn't that be emo?" asked Sirius.

"I think so, cousin mine."

Neville said, "But why would she slit a wrist if she's only a little depressed? I thought emos cut, but not in a way that could kill."

Harry replied, "I thought so too. But maybe a vampire can't die of a slit wrist."

Remus said to Hermione, "I'm wondering if she bled. If so, she can't be a vampire, because, by logic they wouldn't have to hunt for their food. They can feed off of themselves."

"But, Remus, you're forgetting one important thing," Hermione sighed. "The back cover of this book said, 'It's Tara Gilesbie. There is no logic.' I for one, believe it."

**I read a depressing book**

"Maybe it was this one," Sirius remarked.

**while I waited for it to stop bleeding**

"Your question is answered, Remus," Hermione groaned. "Wait, was the book bleeding or her wrists?"

Remus handed her another piece of chocolate.

**and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black**

"Why does she keep painting her nails?" asked Ginny. "Is she unable to do a simple Colour-Change Charm? Is the nail-polish really bad quality?"

**and put on TONS of black eyeliner.**

"Heavy stuff," Peter remarked. Everyone began to laugh.

**Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.**

"Then why," Sirius exploded, "for the love of everything I hold dear did she put it on the last two times she got dressed?"

Luna smiled serenely. "It's nighttime. The Latchwonks will be asleep."

**I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.**

"Because, of course, that's how one prepares for a concert," Ron chuckled. "That's how Bill and Charlie used to get ready all the time! Mum wouldn't let them out if they hadn't had their blood."

**I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.**

"I stole from the Weasleys?" wailed Draco. "How low have I sunk?"

Lily spontaneously gave him a hug. "I'm sure it's your own flying car, not theirs."

**He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish**

"Maybe I might wear that," Draco conceded. "Even the nail polish. I had to wear it once for a dare, and it wasn't all that bad."

**and a little eyeliner**

Draco shuddered. "I spoke too soon. Even on a dare I wouldn't wear eyeliner. Pansy tried to put some on me once, and nearly gouged my eye out. I told her not to charm it to self-apply, but would she listen? No."

**(AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).**

"A lot of what?" asked Neville.

"I think that says cool boys," Ron explained.

Neville nodded. "Oh, now I get it!"

James scratched his head. "Isn't eyeliner sort of, well, gay?"

"It is, but obviously not in this case," Draco said. "Because I'm going with Ebony. So that means I'm straight."

**"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.**

Lily stood up jerkily. "Error, error, does not compute. Exclamation mark and depressed? Error, error, does not compute." She sat down, still looking a bit confused.

**"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz**

"Whew, not the Weasleys' car," Draco sighed in relief. "Hang on, we walked into it? How blind were we? I hope it didn't get scratched."

**(the license plate said 666)**

"Cliché!" Peter yelled.

**and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly**

Hermione huffed. "Bipolar vampire."

**to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**

Ginny shoved Draco's shoulder lightly. "You rebels, you."

"Where did we get the drugs from? And how did we smoke them?" asked Draco, picturing himself and this Ebony-creature with a hookah-pipe.

**When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.**

Sirius chuckled. "I'm assuming there was a convertible top or sun roof and pogo sticks involved, right?" A dreamy silence overtook the group, as for the next thirty seconds they pictured such an occurrence.

**We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage**

"Rather than the one at the back of the stage?" smirked Severus.

**and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**

**"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).**

**"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco,**

"Because you always tell a guy how hot another guy is on your date. Makes him feel so appreciated," muttered Sirius.

**pointing to him as he sung, filling the club**

James looked surprised. "They're in a club now?"

**with his amazing voice.**

"Who's filling the club with his amazing voice, Draco, or Joel?" asked Harry.

Draco sighed. "If it were real life, I'd say me. But in this story, it's probably this Joel chap."

**Suddenly Draco looked sad.**

"Do not give in to the emo feeling," gasped Draco desperately.

**"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music.**

"What's wrong?" shrieked Hermione. "What's wrong? You're more insensitive than Ron!"

"Oi!"

**Then I caught on.**

"With what brain cells?" asked Severus acidly.

**"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.**

**"Really?" asked Draco sensitively**

Neville said, "Malfoy, sensitive? The same boy who told me I should be on the Gryffindor team because I have no brains?"

Draco winced. "Look, Longbottom, I'm sorry about that."

"I know. I'm over it. I'm just saying, you're not sensitive."

**and he put his arm around me all protective.**

The Marauders and Alice made retching noises.

**"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**

"She has a blonde face?" asked Ginny.

Luna sighed. "It must be an attack of Gerternolitis. That would certainly cause one's face to be the same colour as one's hair."

"Either that," said Remus, "Or Tara is just confused again."

"My Immortal Band Name #5: Ugly Blonde Face."

**The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco.**

"You vile ingrate, I'm an afterthought then?" shouted Draco.

Alice's eyes lit up as she began to write quickly.

**After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.**

"Do vampires even show up in photos?" asked Harry.

Ron shrugged. "Dunno, mate, these are Ebony vampires."

**We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz,**

"So drunk, you can't even walk?" asked James.

Draco shrugged. "Probably so I can stand her company."

**but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!**

"What a… failed attempt at suspense," mocked Severus.

Ron snarled, "Normally, I wouldn't wish something like this on anyone, but, Draco, is it too much to hope that you're planning on feeding her to Aragog?"

Draco sighed. "Ron, I can only hope that I am going to do so."

* * *

_A note to everyone I owe a oneshot to: I am getting there, I'm almost done most of them, they're just waiting for good concluding lines and other tiny details. :)_

_TheWarriorQueen_


	4. Of Thingies and YouKnowWhats

_Well, here we are again. **This chapter is dedicated to dayflow.** The atmosphere will get crazier and crazier, but that's just a side effect of My Immortal. Just so you know, I often slip in references to movies/books etc, which I will dedicate a chapter to you if you pick up. :D_

* * *

**Chapter 4.**

"So far, so good."

"Cousin mine, I thought you weren't going to say that at the start of each chapter."

"I'm not; I say something different each time!"

**AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY**

"I thought it was Ebony? Now you say it's Enoby?" Harry sighed. "Make up your mind!"

Meanwhile, several other people were having fits as well.

Remus was moaning, "You just contradicted yourself. Ebony's name is Enoby…"

"She messed up her own character's name, Remy! How does one fail that badly?" Lily wailed.

Remus handed her some chocolate and hugged her. "Hang on, Lils, hang on. We can make it!"

**nut mary su OK!**

"No, she's not Mary Su. Mary Su is the Mary Sue's Asian cousin," Lily said. "She's a Mary Sue, though. She's not smart enough to be a Mary Su."

**DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!**

"I am not in love with her!" howled Draco. "I wouldn't be! And being in love wouldn't make me act different!"

**dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**

Ginny shook her head. "I just read that as 'they no eat chowder beef oak.' How messed up is that?"

**"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"**

"I want to know that too," Draco muttered angrily.

**Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it.**

"Aw, damn," muttered Alice. "What happened to Siri's pogo sticks, then?"

**I walked out of it too, curiously.**

Severus snagged a piece of Alice's parchment and began to jot hastily on it. After a moment or two, he looked up and said, "They stopped the car in the air, and walked out of it? How did they defy gravity?"

**"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.**

"That's what I want to know, too," remarked James. "How do you go from curious to angry so quickly?"

**"Ebony?" he asked.**

Neville sighed. "Read the Author's Note. It's Enoby now."

"Yeah, didn't you get the memo?" asked Ron.

"Sadly, no. I was too busy screaming 'Oh Salazar, why me?' about my lovelife," Draco retorted.

**"What?" I snapped.**

"Bitch," muttered Sirius.

**Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes**

"My Immortal Band Name #6: Gothic Red Eyes."

**(he was wearing color contacts)**

"Oh, of course the pureblood prince knows what they are," muttered Hermione. "Forget that he hates Muggles, and they're a Muggle thing."

Alice grinned. "He knows because he got them from Vampires R Us. They came free with Enoby's walk-in coffin."

**which revealed so much depressing sorrow**

"Redundant!"

**and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**

Luna asked quietly, "I know I'm not normal, but surely when you see evilness in someone's eyes, you fight or run away? Not become less angry."

"That would be normal," Draco assured her. "As it is, I seem to be getting eyes like You-Know- oh alright, Voldemort."

**And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.**

"That makes no sense!" Ginny exclaimed. "Just as she what?"

**Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.**

Harry snorted. "How does one make out keenly, with the boy on top but still against a tree? Ginny, shall we try that one day?"

"Over my dead body!" Ron snarled.

Ginny smiled sweetly. "That can be arranged. I'm not really into necrophilia though."

"Bad mental images!"

**He took of my top**

Sirius and Alice began to look interested.

**and I took of his clothes.**

"That's a bit uneven," Alice complained. "Anyway, she was wearing a dress, not a top."

**I even took of my bra.**

"Oh, big deal," Sirius scoffed.

**Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.**

Stunned silence. Then…

"PAHAHAHAHA!"

"Merlin, she's not serious is she?"

"Worst sex scene ever!"

"What a let down!"

Suddenly Lily frowned. "Hang on! I cannot believe I'm about to willingly enter into a discussion of sexual topics with the Marauders and Alice, but I have to ask, how did he get his 'thingie' into her 'you-know-what' if she only took off her upper half's clothing?"

"Maybe her 'you-know-what' is not what we think it is, and it's some hitherto unmentioned orifice where her heart should be?" suggested Alice.

Everyone gagged. "Bad mental images!" choked Harry.

**"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed.**

"Wrong hole!" shouted Sirius.

Peter facepalmed.

**I was beginning to get an orgasm.**

"Only three Galleons at Orgasms R Us!" declared Alice with a mischievous grin.

**We started to kiss everywhere**

Sirius looked thoughtful. "Does that mean everywhere in the forest, or everywhere on their bodies? Or is it that they found that spell in the Resticted Section that allows you to kiss someone's lips and they feel your kiss _all over_?"

Hermione looked amazed. "There's a book like that in the Restricted Section?"

"Not since I stole it, sweetheart," Sirius replied. "Why, did you want it?"

**and my pale body became all warm.**

"Ergh, bad mental images again," Harry groaned. "Suddenly saw her with black, curly teeth and a tan."

Ron shuddered. Lily sighed, "I hate to begin something like this, but if an undead has an orgasm, do they suddenly regain their body heat?"

"Not as far as I've read, Lils," Remus replied.

Sirius grinned. "I'll go find myself a vampire chick and, ehrm, _research_ it for you two bookworms, shall I?" He was answered by two cushions to the face.

**And then….**

"Ooh… the suspense is killing me," Peter muttered.

**"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"**

Hysterical laughter reigned.

Sirius choked, "Another reference to the beauty that is inbreeding! But Enoby isn't his mother, she's probably his insane cousin!"

**It was….Dumbledore!**

Peter cheered, "Go Hardcore Dumbledore!"

Ron added, "I would pay good money to hear Dumbledore say that!"

"Dumbledore would never say something like that!" Hermione spluttered.

"Yeah," Ginny said. "Who pissed in his lemon drops?"

Alice wrinkled her nose. "I was going to say, who spiked his lemon drops. But each to their own..."

* * *

_Yes, Liss, each to their own._

_I'm in the process of creating illustrations for My Immortal, just saying, in case anyone actually cares. XD_

_TheWarriorQueen_


	5. Of Bloody Tears and Unflattering Songs

_Hello, and welcome to another (belated) chapter of My Immortal. Get your glasses of water ready, two shots coming up._

* * *

**Chapter 5.**

"A fresh beginning. Dare we hope for a better chapter now?"

"Cousin mine, this is unsaveable."

**AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!**

"What's a posr?" asked Neville. "A poster?"

Remus replied, "I suppose it's a poser, but I'd rather be a poster, so we can go with you idea." He then took another bite of chocolate.

**Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok**

"Not okay," James protested. "Dumbledore wouldn't swear!"

Neville looked thoughtful. "Maybe it was a really bad headache."

"I give her two points for spelling 'ache' correctly," Sirius muttered.

"Cousin mine, I take fifty away for misspelling 'head'," Alice countered.

**an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!**

James scowled. "I would be too, if I were Dumbledore."

"He still wouldn't swear though," Harry pointed out.

Alice suddenly cheered. "We know how come they were able to put thingies in you-know-whats without removing her underwear! It's because they were having sexx not sex!"

**PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**

"Good luck with that," Remus snorted. "Actually, bad luck with that."

**Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him.**

"Liss, there's a random 'and' there. Does it make any more sense to you than it does to me?"

"Nope, sorry, Lee."

**He kept shouting at us angrily.**

"So would I," Draco groaned.

**"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.**

Alice grinned. "Ignoring the incorrect spelling of ludicrous, that would be great on a tee-shirt." She quickly started scribbling on her parchment again.

Remus suddenly asked, "Why say 'he shouted', if it has already been said that 'he kept shouting'?"

"I have no idea," Hermione replied. "The cover was right. This defies all logic."

**I started to cry****tears of blood**

Hermione began one of her swallowed-the-textbook speeches. "That is also known as haemolacria. It is a physical condition that causes a person to produce tears that are partially composed of blood. It can manifest as tears that are anything from merely red-tinged to appearing to be entirely made of blood. Haemolacria is a symptom of a number of diseases, and may also be indicative of a tumour in the lachrymal apparatus."

"That doesn't sound healthy," Sirius remarked, as they each downed two shots. The warmth of the alcohol made proceeding with the story a little more bearable.

**down my pallid face.**

"Ten points to Tara for a good adjective," Alice remarked. "Now she's only at negative thirty-eight!"

"My Immortal Band Name #7: My Pallid Face."

**Draco comforted me.**

"Isn't there a law somewhere against that?" Draco moaned. "Saying, 'Draco, thou shalt not comfort Enoby?"

Ron replied sympathetically, "If there isn't, there should be!"

**When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape**

Severus began to hyperventilate. Lily and Alice jumped over to his couch and sat on either side of him, hugging him firmly. Slowly he calmed down.

**and Professor McGonagall**

"If they're both in Slytherin, what's Minnie doing there?" asked James.

**who were both looking very angry.**

"What, are they psychic?" asked Lily. "They know to be angry before they're told why?"

"No wonder we had such a hard time getting away with stuff!" Ron exclaimed.

A voice boomed through the Blue Room. _"They hath telekinesis!"_ Everyone jumped in surprise, looking around to see where that comment came from. After deciding it was just another of the quirks in this bizarre room, they continued.

**"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.**

Snickers overtook the group.

"Sexual intercourse!" Remus howled, tears of mirth running down his face.

Sirius muttered, "Ten points to Tara for correctly spelling such a complex term."

"Another ten for using the phrase Dumbledore would probably use," Alice added grudgingly. "Negative eighteen."

**"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.**

"Mine!" yelled Alice.

Lily sighed. "No one has challenged your right to all the weird slogans, Liss."

"Hey," Sirius said suddenly. "What would you bet that one of Tara's teachers called her something similar?"

**"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.**

Severus sighed. "Not too bad, I suppose. Why did McGonagall get the good insult, though?"

**And then Draco shrieked.**

"SHRIEKED? I DON'T SHRIEK!" shrieked Draco.

The sepulchral voice boomed through the room again. _"All that shrieking looks like Shrek."_ By general consensus, the group decided to pretend they couldn't hear the voice, who sounded absoloutely insane.

**"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**

Draco hid his head under his cushion. "Oh, that I may my soul to the Great Beyond consign, as I from the roof of yon castle tower leap," he quoted, his voice muffled. "Ne'er again may I shine, so go I to eternal sleep."

"I can tell you're quoting something," said Neville. "But what?"

Draco replied, "Delphinium Black, commonly known as the Depressed Bard. That particular poem is called 'An Ode To My Bygone Self-Respect'."

"Maybe you're still drunk," Lily suggested comfortingly.

**Everyone was quiet.**

"We are suffering from severe shock, that's why," Severus said caustically.

**Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad**

"And well they should!" gasped Hermione.

**but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**

Silence settled like an oppressive fog. Then…

"I did what?" Severus exclaimed in horror.

Draco spluttered, "I must remember that line for future reference! BECAUSE I LOVE HER, the perfect excuse for anything!"

**Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.**

"I don't blame them," Hermione huffed.

Sirius and Alice were whispering urgently with each other. Finally, Sirius stood up and said, "We absolve Tara Gilesbie of all crimes against writing up until this point because she invented a school in which you can get caught screwing and still not be punished."

Alice continued, "This testament to the supremacy of teenge libido over inconsequential rules has wiped her slate clean."

Severus rolled his eyes, then said, "Wait, wait, wait! Did the Slytherins just go upstairs? Our House is in the dungeons!"

"Ooh, I knew you were a kinky bunch," Alice said, fluttering her eyelashes at him. "Why else would your House mascot be a," she winked, "snake? Want to show me how things are done in the dungeons?"

Severus took cover behind James, who looked just as frightened by the concepts introduced as he did. "Lily, protect us!"

"Now, Liss, behave yourself!"

"Aw… Okay, Lee…"

Ron gasped, "Bloody hell! They haven't put their clothes on again, have they?"

Severus snagged Alice's parchment again, and scribbled down another complex diagram. Then he glanced over at Ron. "No, they haven't." Ron gaped.

**"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.**

"Never better!" shouted Alice. "She got off lightly!"

**"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.**

Ginny looked puzzled. "Why's she getting into such fancy stuff? I thought she wore a t-shirt to bed?"

**When I came out….**

"Dun dun dun…" Lily intoned dramatically.

**Draco was standing in front of the bathroom,**

James glanced over at Draco and Severus. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the Slytherin girls' dorms just like the Gryffindors' in that no guys can enter?"

"As far as I know," Severus replied.

"So how in the name of Merlin's ba-"

"James Potter!"

"Merlin's beard, could he have gotten in?"

Peter suggested, "Maybe he Apparated?"

Remus, Lily, and Hermione chorused, "You can't Apparate inside Hogwarts!"

**and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte.**

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Neville said. "But if she's a vampire, an undead, wouldn't a song about life just be offensive?"

Ron and Peter nodded.

**I was so flattered,**

"Obviously, she's not offended. Damn, I hoped she'd break up with me," Draco muttered.

**even though he wasn't supposed to be there.**

Ron snorted. "She has that right!"

**We hugged and kissed.**

Sirius bounced in his seat. "Details, please! Give us something to redeem this!"

Alice looked faintly nauseous. "Cousin mine, do we really want details on this Ebony person's love life?"

"Of course! It doesn't matter who, all that matters is WHAT!"

"Touché, cousin mine. Details!"

**After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.**

Luna held up a hand for silence. As everyone stopped and looked at her, she began to hum. At the end she said, "I Just Wanna Live is a song about a stalker!"

A stunned silence settled over the group, as they contemplated how ridiculously out of context the song was for the story, and yet how poetically perfect it was.

* * *

_And there we have it. Sorry for the delay._

_TheWarriorQueen_


	6. Of Chocolate Cereal and Vampire Potter

_Oh dear, sorry for the delay. I have exams, you see. This chapter is dedicated to marksmom, who has reviewed every chapter so far, which makes me very happy indeed._

* * *

**Chapter 6.**

"One last time, I will start with a clean slate for Tara."

"That's a bit generous, cousin mine."

**AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!**

"Revows. I can do that!" Lily said. "Liss, let us re-vow our hatred of this bitch in the most eloquent terms we have."

"Wait, Lee, that'll make her update. Please, I'm begging you, on behalf of my IQ, don't!"

Neville looked puzzled. "Hang on, last chapter she said she wanted five good reviews before she would update. Did someone actually give this a good review?"

Harry stopped, a blissful look spreading over his face. "Good mental images…"

"What are they?" asked Severus. "Don't be greedy; dungeon bats need good pictures too."

As Alice began her scribbling again, Harry explained, "I was picturing us with torches and pitchforks, storming the houses of the five positive reviewers."

**The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end**

"Which end?" asked Luna. "The bottom end would make the most sense, but as it's a miniskirt, there's not much bottom end to rip."

**and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears.**

"Aren't crosses deadly to vampires?" asked Hermione.

Remus shrugged. "I thought so. But remember, this is not a normal vampire. This is an Ebony vampire."

**I spray-painted my hair with purple.**

"Spray-paint is bad for hair!" objected Draco, running a hand through his own hair.

Ginny nodded in agreement. "And wasn't her hair already streaked with purple?"

**In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal**

"Do vampires eat chocolate cereal?" Remus muttered.

"Not as far as I know," Hermione replied.

Alice smirked. "Not regular cereal, and not this Count Chocula stuff, but at Vampires R Us, you can get Dracula's Dark Delicacies for only one sickle a box!"

**with blood instead of milk,**

Ron and Peter threw up into the buckets the Blue Room kindly supplied.

Peter wailed, "Chocolate and blood!"

Remus closed his hand protectively around his own chocolate stash.

**and a glass of red blood.**

"Redundant!"

Severus sneered. "As opposed to green blood, which is for preps."

"Of course. Vampires R Us only sells good red blood to the real Goths, not preps or posers."

**Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.**

"Not that it would show up on black anyway," remarked Ginny.

**"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white**

"Redundant!"

**face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.**

Harry gulped, feeling his messy black hair.

Severus again snagged Alice's parchment and sketched rapidly. Then he looked up. "If she looks up, she looks across the table, not at whoever this is," he sneered.

**He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face**

"She was going down his face because of how much eyeliner he was wearing?" asked Ginny.

Harry shuddered. "Bad mental images!"

Luna said thoughtfully, "Actually, I think she meant that the eyeliner was going down his face. Although how that would ever be possible, I don't know."

**and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore**

Harry paled further.

**and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's**

"Ooh, they both shop at Vampires R Us!"

**and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.**

Harry began to babble a litany of pleas.

In an attempt to lighten the mood, Sirius said, "She spelled head right this time, Alice. Ten points to Tara."

"And twenty from Tara for then messing up with the fore part of forehead, cousin mine."

**He had a manly stubble on his chin.**

"As opposed to a feminine stubble?" asked Severus sardonically.

"My Immortal Band Name #8: Manly Stubble."

**He had a sexy English accent.**

Remus sighed. "He hasn't spoken yet! How does she know?"

**He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.**

"You said it!" Peter objected.

**"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.**

**"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**

Harry crossed his fingers.

**"My name's Harry Potter,**

"No!" wailed Harry. Draco moved over to his couch and slung a consoling arm around his shoulders.

"I know how you feel. Believe me, I wouldn't have wished this on you. Ever. Even after the Sectumsempra incident."

**although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**

James turned to his son with a look of revulsion. "Did you not think, perhaps, before you chose that name, of how stupid Vampire Potter sounds?"

"Oi, he was grumbling!" defended Ron. "Maybe he didn't choose it!"

**"Why?" I exclaimed.**

**"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.**

"I don't giggle!" Harry objected.

**"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.**

**"Really?" he whimpered.**

"There's something wrong with that…" Neville remarked.

Ron nodded. "Yeah, he grumbled, giggled, then whimpered. Hey, what's with the whimpering anyway?"

Sirius smirked. "She must have been," he wiggled his eyebrows, "doing something to him…"

Everyone else except Alice groaned. Alice snickered. "Good one, cousin mine."

**"Yeah." I roared.**

Luna smiled. "The Slytherin is roaring like a lion. And that is the problem."

The voice they pretended not to hear bellowed _"RUMBLEROAR!"_ then _"Headmaster of Pigfarts!"_ That last nearly broke through their determination to ignore the voice.

**We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.**

Draco's eyes lit up. "Maybe the surprise is a bath of holy water!"

* * *

_In case it isn't clear, the voice they pretend not to hear is mine, as I slowly went mad through the commentating of this._

_Oh, and to everyone I owe oneshots to: Two of them should be up this week, as I will probably have time to polish two. Everyone else, patience please. XD_

_TheWarriorQueen_


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